Loved/Lost

11 01 2008

Alright kids, after some serious soul searching (that’s right, I just spent a whole 8 minutes in the car with Radiohead) I have come to some more serious conclusions.

To begin with:  Is it better to have loved and lost or to have never loved at all.

Good question.  What do you think?  I know most of you are the loved/lost type, but I’m not.  I chalk it up to the commitment-phobe in me.  But really I’ve never gotten over my fear of rejection.  Not that I’ve ever really been rejected.  But, yea, there’s a long angst-ridden melodramatic story on that.  Not now.  Maybe later.

Stay with me on this for a moment.

Is it better for me to finish this delectable slice of Starbucks Blueberry Coffee Cake or throw it away?  If I finish it, I’m sure the 400lbs of pure fat will immediately jumped to my butt.  (boobs too. they always seem to get bigger. ugh.) I can slowly savor every last mouthful of this dessert, but then I will walk around with that baggage for as long as possible.  OR I could throw it out and just gaze longingly at it every time I visit Starbucks.*

At least in Choice #2 I don’t have all the baggage trailing after me.  Do you see what I’m getting at?

Currently I’m chillin in a great place in my life.  I have family, friends, health, wealth… all that you need right?  Except, like everyone else, I get a little lonely from time to time.  Now I know what you’re gonna say, “you gotta just put yourself out there.”  Well, I’m not really looking to have anyone right now.  I’m just confused.

I think I’m broken.  I haven’t had a REAL crush** in a year and a half.  Why not?!  I can’t even really enjoy the random makeouts much.  (I can’t speak for my blackedout self here) but I haven’t actually liked any one of the guys I’ve kissed since… oh god.  I’m not even admitting that here.  Anyway, all I’m saying is I don’t kiss guys I like because I haven’t liked any in a really long time (with the exception of Indie, and it’s not like that went anywhere).

And what’s worse, I’ve been going through some… mental issues… as in, “hey let’s makeout!”  lalalala… (5mins later)  “okay I’m bored, please stop.”  Where is this boredom coming from???  I feel nothing.  No excitement, no tingles.  Just nothing.

So it makes me think:  Put myself out there to be rejected?  By who? Should I jump into throng of it all and flirt up every guy I meet?  Hell no. That’s how I end up in the corner, not alone but definitely bored.  How do you find a meaningful friendship or relationship in the bar scene?  Or where do you go?

Please, tell me I’m lame, agree/disagree, commiserate, yell… whatever the fuck you want just so I don’t feel like I’m the only one hearing this.

*for the record I only ate ½ of it
**sounds so childish!

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5 responses

11 01 2008
James

Your soooo asking the wrong person here (I realise you weren’t specifically asking me), but I thought I should add some comment just so “[you] don’t feel like [your] the only one hearing [what you just said]”.

You know what, it’s really is very difficult to advise. Are there ways you could meet people through your interests? Oh and I really see no benefit from kissing boys just for the hell of it. I reckon you should keep it for more special occasions, doing so might make it less boring when it does happen then. I think you have to put yourself out emotionally to make good friendships/relationships, that’s more important than the kissy/cuddly stuff.

All else fails pop over to England and we’ll swan off into the sunset together, after all according to Last.fm we have a ‘high’ compatibility rating, I’m pretty sure that’s enough foundation for a relationship.

12 01 2008
Andrea

I say you are not lame! I think putting yourself out there is a relative term. Maybe you should start doing something (such as a hobby) that you have always wanted to do and would really enjoy. That way, you can feel that feeling again and then maybe the “right” people will spark your interest? I don’t know. I am so the wrong person to ask. I am 6 1/2 months pregnant and very married 🙂 Just my 2 cents

13 01 2008
CL

do not worry. if further concerned…talk to someone with worse problems in that category than yourself ;).

glad the coffeecake was good.

16 01 2008
Ella

I’m definately from the “better to have loved and lost than not loved at all” camp. But then I love to love and I live in eternal hope that I will find the love of my life, even when I’m single and pining!

16 01 2008
grace13

James – Ditto on the Last.fm; we’re obviously perfect for each other. 😉 Good point tho on the kissing – too many guys does seem to make it less special. I am all for moving back to England. If you can connect me with any companies needing a marketing coordinator, I am so there!

Andrea – Congrates on the baby and being so very married! I know you’re right, I should pick up a hobby somewhere. I guess I just havent been looking hard enough for something that interests me. Another photography class maybe?

CL – Don’t even! You are so not worse off here. You’re just confuded. I’d appreciated being confuded from time to time just to mix it up a bit

Ella – I think that it’s awesome you “live in eternal hope that [you] will find the love of [your] life.” Part of me feels that way too sometimes. My parents have been married 24yrs and they are still the most romantic, deeply in love people I’ve ever met. I hope I can find what they have!

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