Rant of The Day: Invisibility

11 10 2007

here’s the way it goes:

My last semester of college living with my best friends taught me a lot about being straightforward, honest, and assertive. This semester-of-my-life is about testing me on those traits. Can I do it? Yes.

I love my roommate M to death. We get along really well for the most part. The problem, which I will readily admit, is my jealously of her. I was watching GossipGirl last night which put everything I felt right out in the open…

In the episode: the lead girls Serena and Blair are best friends – inseparable. However, Blair has this horrible jealousy of Serena because Serena gets all the attention. Par Examp: They are shopping and Blair comments on how ALL the men they pass are checking them out. Serena says No, they’re checking us both out. But as Blair says, Then why do I go unnoticed when I’m not with you? Later they get into a HUGE fight and Blair says it the way I’ve written it a million times in my journal. “You are always in the spotlight, always! It doesnt matter that you dont try for it. You can’t help it. I know you cant. It just happens to you. It’s just part of you.”

That’s me. Always 2nd. It doesnt matter if we go out with her friends/my friends/strangers.  It doesnt matter if I am at peak confidence. It doesn’t matter if she is quiet and doesnt really say anything at all. We go out and guys check us out. They talk to us. They flirt with us. But in reality, they are going for her. I know this. She knows this. She pretends it isnt true for my benefit which almost makes it harder to bear. How do I know this you might ask? Am I overreacting? No. I honest to god wish i was. I know this because we often start by hanging-out with more than one guy. They compete for her attention and when she obviously shows preference… the other leaves. Yea leaves. Either physically or he finds someone else to talk to. It’s not like I’m boring. I’m just invisible.

The killer is that I’ve gotten used to it. I’ve given up. It’s a losing battle that started with my roommate who was my best friend growing up. Then my grade school bff then my 8th grade bff then high school bff then my london roomie then vgf then back to my roommate. This might tell you that it has something to do with my personality. However, even in the height of confidence… i lose. Even when I look amazing… i lose. Getting away from these people wont help me. I’ll just find someone to replace them. Afterall, they’ve all been my best friends at some point. I completely understand why guys completely enamored – they’re fun, pretty, funny, smart, confident. Those are the same reasons I’m drawn to be their friend.

I’ve thought about it long and hard. I want to be unreachable. I suppose every girl wants to attain this at some point. But here’s what I want more than anything:
–the athletic body of a soccer player
–the confidence & flirtiness of a socialite
–the bank account of a selfmade girl – who’s actually made something of herself.
–the hair of a model (about 4more inches)
–the ability to run
–the ability to take beautiful arty pictures
–the ability to photograph well (yea be in pictures)

I’m not asking for the moon. I’m not asking for lipo or a nose job. I’m desperate to be notice, to be seen, to be liked, to be sought after. I’m not willing to change my personality. I’ll be my confident self but beyond that part of me: I think I’m pretty damn good. I just want everyone to see that. I glow when I’m confident. But I’m still outshone. It’s like just that isn’t enough. I’m not okay with that. I’m not okay with being 2nd rate. You know my roommate tries to divert attention to me sometimes? Like this past weekend at Beerfest- There were these 2guys: Joel & Jacob – best friends. My roommate’s only way of diverting attention aside from asking me what I think on certain things (which I almost never hear bc he only says it to her) is to talk about school… and “Grace is my favorite child prodigy; she graduated college in only 3years!” Thing is I’m not a fan of that. I don’t want people to think I graduated early because I’m smart. If I was smart, I would’ve gotten the 3.5 I deserved. I want people to know that I got out early because I’m driven & ambitious. I want them to know I worked my ass off. I want them to see what I see. I’m SO SICK OF BEING THE SMART KID. Where has that gotten me? Nowhere with my peers. They’re intimidated. and then make jokes about how it’s taking them 5yrs or “wow. you’re smart” that’s it? that’s all I get? NO. I want more. I want someone to look at me and see me how I see me. I want them to see my daredevil side. Everyone sees me as ’safe.’ They’re stunned when they hear i jumped out of a plane. That I had my eyebrow pierced. I miss that piercing. People automatically assumed I was kinda different when I had that. They didn’t see ’smart girl’

This is why I wanted to dye my hair. Really what I want is to be as fit and toned and strong as possible. I guess I’m just scared I’ll never get there. That somehow, I’ll just never be good enough. I’m not looking for a seriously unreal body. I just want my old body – maybe a bit more toned.

I want to have my next birthday with the fittest body ever. I want to wear something gorgeous you only see in magazines. I want a guy to be an outright, plain & simple asshole to me so that I can dump a drink on his head instead of him simply ignoring me so i feel invisible. I know just about everything that comes with being fit, confident, pretty, and everyone wanting you. I could handle that. Believe me, I have been through dealing with my friends’ problems for YEARS. How do I get there?

okay I’m done. Now you know.

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