23 02 2007

It has been ages since I’ve sat down to this. I was kinda losing interest to be honest. It is just so much more fun to read other people ramblings than write my own. However, right now I’m having a bit trouble dealing and my bound journal is missing (not unusual).

Overloading on Ben Folds and tea and tootsie rolls. A guy across campus committed suicide last night. One of my best friends was really close to him. She called sobbing at 1.30 last night to tell me. We went to the prayer service at 2am with a few of her friends. I’ve never felt comfortable in church – any church. I always feel like a hypocrite because everyone there seems to believe and love so fully. I dont know what I believe in anymore. Sometimes it’s easier just to avoid thinking about it.  As much as I doubt God, prayer has always been key for me. Just the monotony of the rosary is calming.

Last night, or rather, early this morning, the church was packed. literally packed with students and teachers all looking for that sense of belonging, that time to be together, to not be alone.  Just before the service began, my friend put it best, “He’s such a fucking idiot. Look at all these people. They’re here because of him. How can you leave so many people behind?” She’s right. There were over 150 of his closest friends there sitting in shock, sobbing, or just leaning on each other trying to find a way to deal.

We sat up most the night in her room just talking. Because she’s an RA (he was too) she wasn’t allowed to leave her dorm that night. So I crashed there. The moment she had called me I dropped everything and went over.  We drank beers and talked until almost six am.

Today I’m exhausted. She’s really have a tough time with it. I’m trying to just listen and be there for her. I’m beginning to hate always being the ’strong one.’ When is someone gonna be there for me?

p.s. Was anyone else ever slightly disturbed by the music video for Ben Folds Five – Kate?




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