regret

14 08 2006

actually a day later…. just keep forgeting to publish these posts… lol now they make no sense bc they’re actually spaced over the last week or so -ish

At times I wish I could take back what I’ve done. Regret. But when I really sit back and think about it, I know I would not have changed in certain ways. Par examp – Teddy… He was and always will be one of the sweetest guys I’ve ever met. I was initially turned off merely because he liked me before I even knew him. As anyone who knows me will tell you – I like a challenge and am scared of anything set right out there for me – I guess I just don’t trust anything I don’t have to work for. …so anyway… I just wasn’t attracted to him. I liked hanging out with him. in fact we became really good friends.

It began junior yr of hs when he asked me to prom – in the SWEETEST way possible. in hs we had this school mail system where the main office helper would deliver any notes for a student each class period. he wrote one word on 8 slips of paper. i was to receive 1 slip each period. unfortunatly the office messed up and sent them all to me 2nd period. i read them each and opened the last one with major trepidation… “will – you – go – to – prom – with – me – Teddy” bc i was afraid it was this guy who annoyed the shit outa mean everyday. in fact i was so caught up in fear that it was that annoying guy that when i opened the last note my first thought was “Teddy who?” prom ended up being a lot of fun despite it all – tho we kinda separated and hung out with our own different groups of friends during the dance. after that we became really good friends and stayed good friends til right before college.

i had known he had liked me the whole time we were friends but had always hoped that would just die away… it never did. we kinda almost had a thing 2wks before heading off to college – we were both starting to get nervous and scared of leaving all our friends… there were a few nights where he’d ditch some of his buddies to hang out w me – when i was expecting them all to come over… a few times i’d later find out that he’d connived to just have it be him and i hanging out. there was no one who had ever made me feel so special and important but as much as i liked him for that i hated him for it. i didnt feel deserving of it so i convinced myself we weren’t right for each other.

after a very dramatic soap-opera-esque argument in my driveway we went our separate ways. he went off to his school and i to mine. he never understood my reasoning for not wanting a relationship… looking back i dont really understand them either. he wrote me letters and called and im’ed me for the first few months… eventually a big im-fight and i cut off talking to him completely. spring break of freshman yr we started talking again over a poker game – poker always brings out the best in me. *wink* anyway we became good friends again, tho not quite as close as before. i had really been a bitch about it all.

now we’ll be juniors in college. Teddy is cuter and kinda getting built. he still has that same awesome personality and quick comebacks that endears him to me more than anyone i know. very few people can make fun of me w/o actually hurting my feelings even just a little bit. (indieboy has that ability too) and a lot of people make fun of me – ALL the time. supposedly i’m ‘just an easy target’ and i ’set myself up.’

…now he has a girlfriend – going on 6months… and while i know i could’ve never dated him at the beginning of college… i cant help but see what an amazing guy he is. neither of us would’ve been good in a relationship at that point in our lives – especially not me. i was a bitch. i thought i knew everything. i had my whole life planned out and nowhere in there was a boyfriend/husband factored in – anywhere. i was going to graduate and go to law school. i’d be an amazing corporate lawyer and travel tons. i had tons of ideas for my office and house mapped out in my head… but never my wedding. i would just be too busy.

now i’m ready to date. i’m ready to have fun and enjoy life. i changed my life goals and plans and with that i changed part of me. i dont follow a strict path anymore. i like to do whatever comes to mind – sure i still revert to old habits every once in a while, but not as often. and i cant help but wonder what it’d be like to be his girlfriend… he’s mentioned recently that while they’ve dated for a while, he’s not sure how serious it is or how serious he wants it to be. and i feel guilty as hell for even thinking such thoughts like the two of them breaking up… i’m bad.

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