missing out…

11 08 2006

wow. funny how you dont realize what you missed until you cant have it anymore. i was so confident forever that Teddy would never be the guy for me. but now that i see him so happy in a relationship and i look at myself… this weekend i was reading the letters he wrote me freshman yr after i totally shot him down and said there would never be something between us. wow. you know it could’ve been me in that relationship with him instead of his girlfriend. i’m not sure if i would’ve wanted that. all i know is that as i go on in life i become more and more scared that i will never be in a relationship. i dont know what it is about me. i just prefer to like the guy who is unreachable – safer that way i guess. then i know that he cant actually reject me bc we would never get that far. it is more subconsious than anything tho. i can honestly say tho that i am very very happy that i did not and will not date MrOpportunity. he is not my type. i would be miserable. end of story.

…wow was i right or what? indieboy doesnt really txt or call me anymore – just our friend/coworker who sits 2cubes away from me. everything about hanging out i learn thru her. par example – we were planning on going out to lunch today – to jimmy johns. …didn’t know til she told me this morning…. now she tells me indieboy canceled. thats cool. boy do i feel left out of the conversation. again.

so i was thinking about this while cutting the lawn yesterday. really, i wish that we could go back to failed relationships and failed attempts at something more than friends and ask for an evaluation. i know exactly how dumb that sounds and just how illogical it is. but think about it… when you get a ‘C’ on a paper it is almost expected that you seek out your professor and ask him/her “i’m just curious, what could i have done to this paper that would’ve gotten it a better grade?” why cant we do that we relationships? how wonderful would it be to be able to go right up to indieboy and say “so i know nothing will come of us. i was wondering if you could just tell me what i could’ve done or should’ve done? you had seemed interested in the beginning… did i misinterpret? or is there something i did that i should not have done?” you know, an evaluation… something to listen to and think about so that you can be more prepared for future relationships and therefore dont make the same mistakes. i mean it’d be beautiful if it actually was just that a guy felt his personality and yours just didnt go… as opposed to “you txt too much” or “you went from being fun to being really quiet and shy” …those are things you can work on. how much easier would that make my life?!

what would i ask?
what happened? did i miss something? am i too clingy? too dull? too fat? too quirky? is it my personality? my habits? my drunk phone calls? my inability to answer drunk calls when you called at 4am almost everynite? do i intimidate you? what can i change? did i miss some signal? was it that 2nd date when you paid for my meal… was i supposed to ask you to come into my house after? i kinda did. should i have been more specific? should i have broken the touch barrier? (i guess, more so than just the random joking around hitting kind?) how would i have done that? is it my family? my house? bc i cant really do anything about that.

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