reflection

10 08 2006

wow. so i’ve been cleaning my rm up a bit lately. I figure i should try to keep it a little bit more organized so that when i move out next summer into my first apartment i dont have a mess of shit to go thru. so the other day while i was going thru some letters and bday cards and stuff i ran across the letters Teddy sent me first semester of our freshman yr away at college. then later i ran across some files on my computer when i was coding (html – yea i’m a loser) that were saved aim conversations w Teddy from the time as well. funny i always blamed him for being too much, too intense. i guess you can make yourself believe anything you want if you try. i read thru those and realized the depression i was diagnosed with last yr had been in full swing the year before. in fact, i’m pretty sure it was far worse first yr at college than second.

how dumb am i? or at least, was i? Teddy was a totally sweetheart thru all of those letters – a little confused and a bit of pressure to date (tho nothing like MrOpportunity is now) but mostly he wrote of how he was so confused about his life and if he’d picked the right major and a lot of “it’s ok i understand and despite all these flaws you seem to think you have, you’re still an amazing person.” he never pressured me to share anything – just asked me how i was and asked me to tell him what was wrong. his only fault was caring when i felt (as i told him over and over and over) that i didnt deserve him even as a friend.

that was a tough time in my life. but not just in mine – everyone was just starting uni so everyone had it rough. i just was having a pretty rough time. i’ve always dealt with pretty low self-esteem. M&D said for the longest time (during the worst of it for me) that they just couldnt understand where that spunky little girl went. apparently i was sooo independent and their little “pixie” bc i was always making trouble and running about. some time in elementary school i became really shy and have been ever since. well, kinda. in big groups anyway. over the past year i’ve regained a lot of that, but i was extremely insecure thru the beginning of college.

….i guess i’m just feeling so completely horrid for how i acted and even have thought about it since then. until going thru those letters and aims… i thought i’d dismissed him so easily… but really we kept talking for ages (months) after i told him i wouldnt date him… it was all about me and how bad of a person i was… wow. way to go me. i cant believe he is still friends w me after all that… what a nice guy… lol

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