Chapter Closed. Officially

Ok kids. I waited out the whole week to write about this Indie thing.  I’m glad I did.

The crush is over. I’m cured. 

I have refrained from starting a conversation with him all week because I don’t like needy/clingy people (and was afraid I was becoming one).  It was weird to go so long without talking to him. I hadn’t realized how little I talk to anyone else.  Needless to say, the week was quiet. 

Late last night he aimed me and our random jokes turned to the topic of Winter Carnival and how drunk everyone was.  Finally unable to hold it in any longer (I’d been hopeing to talk in person) I asked him if he remembered kissing me.  Early I would’ve said “all signs point to yes,” but his comments in the conversation were making me wonder.  His answer? “whoa. lol no. sorry.”  huh. ok. Then my google aim shut down.  So I signed on to meebo so as not to look offended/crushed we spoke a few more words before meebo kicked me off too. 

Roomie and I chatted about it for a bit.  I had told her the wkend after the kiss that, crazy as it sounds, I felt like part of me got a little closure with the kiss and what he
said.  It was a relief to know I hadn’t imagined it all. But with the kiss, part of me still held out hope that there could be something more.  Well after last night, I feel a lot better.  I think I had been stressing enough before that after finding out he didnt remember… I’m really not all that tossed about it.  Yea, I’m a little disappointed that THE kiss - the only one worth much to me - the guy was too drunk to remember. Ah well, I’ve been on both sides of that blackout before.

So in summary, feeling relieved and surprisingly happy. I’m not as torn up about it as I expected to be. good.  You’re all right, I need to crush on someone who fits what I’m looking for and not comprise those things important to me - like communication.  Least now I’m not stuck on anyone and have a chance to finally enjoy being single.

Sia Concert

Slacking off per usual.  I’ve been meaning to write all week but haven’t really had much to say outside of “I’m feeling paranoid.”  See what’s the point of a truely outrageous rant on the fact that I haven’t spoken to Indie since Sunday?  It’s Thursday.  I’m not going to go into the details of the high levels of brain activity causing a major slippery-Madison-hwys type traffic jam preventing all non-Indie thoughts to escape unharmed.

But I will not subject you to that rant.  I’ve been very good all week.  I have mentioned him only 2x in passing (including to my roomie).  So, for now, Chapter Indie has been closed.

What else is there to write about?  Oooo! How about the concert I went to last night?!

Sia

Well, I’d hadn’t actually heard of Sia before Roomie played Breathe Me the night we added new pictures to our HotGuyWall.  (had to add our Hayden Christensen!)  She invited me to the concert, and I’m never one to turn down a concert (Even when I’m paying. gads! All my $$$ is just flying out the door. Please pay me back people!) 

She scared me. A little. Initially.  This is how they walked out on stage:

via TeenVogue

Let’s see, can you pick out the pianist, drummer, bass, Sia, guitar, & cello?  I think not. But those are their actual costumes for the first song.  I’m not familiar with her songs or I’d provide the setlist.  However, I will say she was Phenomenal!  I’m sure you know who she is - without realizing it.  Breathe Me has been featured in various films/shows - most notably the last episode of Six Feet Under.  That song is a little misleading though.  I imagined most of her music to sound like that.  Her personality must also be of that realm - soft, inviting, real.

Be my friend / Hold me, wrap me up / Unfold me / I am small / and needy / Warm me up / And breathe me

No.  The moment she picks up that mic, she amazes with a powerful voice that weaves in and out of the delicate and the harsh.  She’s completely unique and intriguing.  What made the concert was how she carried it.  This wasn’t just a show; it was an interaction with the crowd.  The austrialian dedicated song after song to randoms in the audience - including an “Eric the Truck Driver who had a booboo when I met him at the gas station this morning.”  There is a very different vibe to a Sia concert from your average.  When she stepped away from the mic she was like a little 7 year old girl complete with higher pitched voice, fluttering hands, random dancing and “do you really like me? really? sweeeeeet!” type attitude.  She gave away some of the random stuff animals sitting on the stage and recieved gifts from audience members - many of whom were sporting glow sticks and necklaces.

A bit off?  Seems that way at first, but it’s really kinda like watching your uber-excited favorite niece up on stage because she’s so adorable.  And then she sings.  You HAVE to check out her music.  It’s so beautiful!  She plays with lyrics and the music.  Watching her in concert is like seeing your bestie from elementary standing outside your door “Come out and play!!!!”

Currently Loving:

• Breathe Me
• Little Black Sandal
• Sunday
• The Girl You Lost to Cocaine

As always, you can watch videos and listen to full length tracks on Last.FM - Sia on last.fm

Kate Voegele

There’s still nothing on tv, in case you hadn’t noticed.  Roomie and I have been watching random shit here and there, but reruns are really boring.  A few weeks back we stopped at One Tree Hill on the CW.  Overdramatic yes, but still kinda fun.  The episode we saw had ‘Mia’ playing for a crowd (including exbf? Kevin Federline *choke*).  I fell in love with the song.  My lack of internet at the time prevented downloading and I forgot about it immediately and moved on with life.  Last night we watched it again and there she was!  A regular character who is an amazing singer? Sweet.

In a moment of $7.99 weakness I downloaded the entire Don’t Look Away album by Kate Voegele (aka Mia), and I love it!  It’s so perfect right now.  The power in her voice makes you sing along like you secretly do whenever Kelly Clarkson plays on the radio.  The lyrics are just so damn on.

I was untouchable
Until karma crashed my party
Found out I’m crushable, oh
And I’m the only one who’s sorry
…This is how hurt feels
And it’s everything they say it is
- I Get It

I stop to catch my breath
And I stop to catch your eye
No need to second-guess
That you’ve been on my mind
I dream days away, but that’s okay

It’s like I want to hear a silent sound
And then hold it in my hand
But a rose won’t blossom from a ground
Of desert sand, but I like to pretend that

One day I’ll turn around, I’ll see your hand reach out
I’m only fooling myself, oh
But maybe when you smile
It means you’d stay awhile
Just maybe you’d save me now

Well, now it’s etched in stone
That I can’t survive alone
You have the missing piece
That I need so desperately
Yes, I slip away to a day that’ll never come

It’s like a splash of water to my face
When I suddenly realize
That you could never find a place
For me in your eyes, and I don’t know why I keep thinking
- Only Fooling Myself

It’s hard to believe she’s only 20. I mean gah! I’m 21 (22 in T-20 days) and haven’t accomplished half of what she has. You can’t help but wonder what experiences, what relationships, what situations inspires her lyrics – and the passion in her voice. Kate is a singer/songwriter (and apparently actress) who has been writing and performing since high school. She’s currently studying at Miami in Ohio and signed with MySpace Records (seriously?) for Don’t Look Away.

The musical landscape is teeming with singer/songwriters, many of them quite capable, but only a handful have something truly distinctive to offer. Kate Voegele belongs in the latter category. Don’t Look Away, Voegele’s first full-length album (MySpace Records), is a revelation, as the 20-year-old writer/singer, belying her tender years, delivers songs of depth and insight with a powerfully seductive voice that maintains a fierce presence amid dynamic rock grooves and infectious pop hooks. Produced by the veteran Marshall Altman (Matt Nathanson, Mark Broussard), Don’t Look Away is a bravura effort from an old soul with a youthful spirit; think of her album as a female parallel to John Mayer’s Room for Squares—at once a zeitgeist-capturing landmark and the launchpad for a viable career.

The tracks range from the rootsy acoustic ballad “Wish You Were,” with its mandolin and accordion filigree, and the sparse, piano-based “Kindly Unspoken” to the widescreen heartbreak anthem “Only Fooling Myself” and the ironically titled “It’s Only Life,” a soaring expression of female empowerment, which Voegele describes as “a motivational, uplifting song about dealing with situations rather than trying to hide from them.” “One Way or Another” is an edgy rocker about romantic victimization, while the punchy “Chicago,” she says, “is a metaphorical representation of any kind of escape, about just needing to get away. The line at the end of the chorus is, ‘I’ll be on the seven o’clock to Chicago,’ so it refers to a specific city, but it’s universally applicable.”
http://www.katevoegele.com/bio.asp

Currently Playing:
- One Way or Another
- I Get It
- No Good
- Only Fooling Myself
- Wish You Were

Under Pressure

I hate pressure.  Peer pressure.  I’m horrible with it.

I try very very hard not to put other people in a position where they feel pressured to do something.  Usually, I even provide possible excuses they can opt for to get the easy way out.  I don’t usually guilt people into doing things.

For Example:  This weekend my roomie & I are hosting people for drinks and just hangingout for a bit before hitting the bars.  I have held my tongue millions of times to try not to push people into coming.  Like my girls. Who are reading this.  I know I have put a little eensy bit of pressure on you to come because, well, you hardly visit. Which is understandable. You’re busy people.  However, I feel that this backfired a bit on me… as we invited a lot of people and so far only 5 are coming… besides us. 

The real reason I really hate peer pressure though is because I got it a lot as a kid.  Instead of giving in eventually, I became THAT KID.  You know the one. The pushover.  Now, you can find me drunk being hit on by a kinda random - such as Greekboy - who says “hey, I want to makeout with you.” “hmm I dont want to.” “seriously. let’s go back to my place.” “fine.”   See? I follow directions. Specifically when I’m drunk.  Horribly.  Tell me to walk out in the street. I will. Tell me to follow you. I will.  Tell me to do anything.  I will. So afraid this is gonna get me in trouble one of these days.  lol.  I’m such a confident person when the least amount of liquor touches my lips.  I’ll walk home. Through the city.  Anywhere.  I feel untouchable… invincible…

Soooo I don’t care if you’re curious. I just have to share:  Indie

I’ve been doing really well not overly talking about him.  I’ve really held my tongue.  Roomie will prolly cut it out though if I see him and nothing happens.  She’s gotten the brunt of it.  And bless her soul, she’s been cheery, happy, & encouraging the whole time.  Thank god for cousins.

Indie was sick earlier this week and only answered “I might” when I asked if he might come to the party on Saturday. I have kept my cool for the most part. (Although there have been minor panics of “I dreamed it! I dreamed it all!”)  I didn’t want to ask too often because that much pressure is annoying (hence the earlier topic).  But I DID want to know. And if he couldn’t I wanted to know why.  That’s just me.  I need details.  He is more of the yes/no fact/fiction variety.  No need for unnecessaries.  So I knew that he’d tell me if he could or couldnt in due course. 

We talked every single day since tech.  Just joking around.  I was figureing he was leaning towards No because he had been sick at the beginning of the wk (i was too ugh).  HOWEVER. I couldnt hold it in anymore and asked today if he was coming.  Apparently his parents are in town (he told me that earlier… I had just forgotten they were going to visit) but if they left saturday he was definitely driving over. FUCK YES.  That’s all I needed.  That extra reassurance that this isnt all in my head.

Now if you think I’m cracked, eh; he and I are on the same wavelength for this stuff.  And I dont care what you think.  Ok fine I do.  But I’m right. I know I’m right.  And thank the fucking heavens roomie hasnt killed me yet.  Thank you karma! I’m being good. I promise!

Peace Distrupted

Each beautiful morning I wake up an extra hour early. If I can roll out at 6, I have an entire hour to do my sun salutations and mediation before breakfast. Then with just 15 mins to spare, I jump into my work clothes and fall out the door racing in heels to my car.

This morning, my peace was disrupted. In fact, this isn’t the first time. For the last 7 yoga mornings I have closed my eyes only to have Indie swimming through my mind. No matter how hard I try to focus above, he completely distracts me! It’s driving me mad! I’ve not had issues relaxing in ages but suddenly I can’t at all.

Fuck. I want my hour back.

On that meditation train of thought - I really like this quote from a book I stole from my brother:
“Prayers aren’t for the deity,” said Aven. “They’re for you, to recommit yourself to what you believe.”

Fix-it

Considering all the issues, conflicts, problems that affect our world today….

If you could fix just one, what would it be?  Darfur? Global warming? Starving children in Africa? Gangs? Wars? Legal systems? Healthcare? Foreign aid? Something local? or something far away?  What’s important to you?

Stuck in the Storm

This morning I woke up to pure ice.  Everywhere.  There was an inch of it completely incasing my car, which I had left in my parents’ driveway overnite.  Damn.  Then the snow started.  Then the winds. Looks like I’ll be heading home to the city tomorrow morning at the crack of 5am to get to work on time.  w00t

On a whole, it’s been a good weekend.  I’ve decided to ‘write off’ Indie for my own sanity for now.  He’s shit at communication, and I’ve been dying to know if he’ll be at the upcoming party that NO ONE is attending. (thanks kids) It’s easier to deal with him when I don’t wonder and dwell.  Sure I know I haven’t really written him off. I never really did.  I just compartmentalize all things Indie until a time when I can actually deal.  However, this has meant really going out of my way to keep my mind super busy.

Plus I totally rocked at not being that annoying girl who only talks about ‘the boy’ all the time by only mentioning him 5x in passing with the girls! fuck yea! I finally got to tell my exroomie CK about it, and she reacted the way I’ve been waiting for - jumping up and down ‘finally! yay you!’ - all the excitement and joy I needed to see.  Miss that girl.

Decent weather.  I did get to watch my dad receive an award for basically just being a good person.  And I was able to see my old roommates and go out for CL’s 22nd birthday.  All fun stuff.  Now just tired. Ready to go home and unpack.

Accomplished a lot at least.

• Checked on my credit - no one has taken my identity yet, thank god.
• Paid bills & loans
• Booked flights to the VEGAS for a reunion of the girls I was in London with and miss terribly
• Made a delicious vegan potpie with my little sister who is now leaning that way (I gave up. too allergic to give up all meat.)

Hope the rest of you had wonderful wkends!

so I was about to post…

…but I totally got distracted by the sidebar lolzcats and had to click on it.

I know I haven’t done a band this wk. I’ve been busy. What? You disagree? Fine. I’ve been lazy. Happy? I’ll… get to it soon -ish.

Had a wonderful little rant sesh this morning with FrontDesk & Payroll about the men in the office. To say it’s a ‘traditional’ setup is prolly as close as it gets to the truth. We’re the Work Wives. For real. “Honey, could you do this / that / drop everything your doing to fix my laptop / printer / notes.” Well, minus the ‘honey.’ Seriously.

It’s actually kind of amusing. My boss always wonders how I can finish one project sooo quickly but then take days to do the next. Well, golly gee. I wonder why? Maybe if I didn’t have random ass people dropping things on my desk going “hey, you’re marketing so could you print this for me?” … how is that marketing??? Or when the President comes running “Grace! Grace! you know Excel right?? I don’t want to play with the document but I need something added/changed. Could you come do that? Right this minute?” Sure thing! let me just walk away from this phone call with a client! It’s amusing but disruptive. As much as I love FrontDesk, she’s the closest thing we have to a secretary around here, but I end up doing 1/2 her work because she doesnt know how. no matter how many times I teach her. ugh. whatever.

What did I learn this week?

• The sun comes out before I go to work again finally!!!
• How to Style Curls 101
• I’m bouncing back faster from upsets
• If my roommate doesn’t pay her 1/2 of the rent (which her father forgot for february) we get kicked out in 4 days! And my reaction: Ok, no big deal. Just pay it roomie. eh. (yay me for no freakouts!!!)
• Prefer vanilla frosting over cottagecheese frosting or buttercream or whatever the fuck it’s called. ew.
• I’d like to wake up on Feb. 15th someday to a guy cooking me breakfast before I rush out the door. fyi - lucky roomie had date with photoguy (newly returned from s.korea) last night… which went into this morning
• And the ultimate reinforced: It’s all Karma. It comes back around.

Aside from my one major Worry Of The Week, I had a fantastic wk! I’ll save that worry for nxt wk though. Will DEFINITELY need advice. It’s only gonna get worse.

Hope the rest of you have wonderful weekends! I’m leaving for Home to see my family & friends. (yes, again fuck off.)

Be Mine?

I’m not a Valentine’s Day hater.  Really not.  Swear.

 

I got dressed this morning grabbing my last pair of clean underwear (fuck laundry) and the first cleanish cardigan off the floor.  Got to work.  Yes, I am wearing red.  No, it was not on purpose.  oops.  I’m just not a cheesy V-day person.  I’ve never had a boyfriend on Valentine’s day.  Never really cared.  Actually those people who always whinge about it piss me off more.  If you can’t handle the mooshiness of a couple holding hands, go home, lock the door and dont talk.  Some of us are actually okay with being single.

However, I now work with all married people.  As I heard the guys coming in this morning all going on and on “ugh. ladies’s day. so did you do for your wife?” My first thought was “shut up! you’re all gonna have sex tonite.”  Now lets be honest, they may not all. But I guess I can now kinda see the other side.  That’s the “woe is me I’m single” who gets to go home knowing that everyone in the world is having sex and you just get a bag of chocolate you bought yourself.  damn.  I could see how that would depress.

Good thing I’m floating above it all. 

It all comes back around.  Just gotta keep thinking someday, someday my geek will come.  

7hr Epiphany & The Txt

It’s been ages, I know, so I ought to hurry up and finish the story from last weekend. But before I forget – update on the now:

• Headcold. Not fucking cool. I think the Nyquil I took last night gave me weird dreams because when I woke up I was relieved to find that I had not in fact lost my 3 front teeth (yes, there were 3 in my dream)
• I love my hairstylist! Finally found one in the city that I lovelovelove! Despite yesterday’s feeling “I hate being sick. ugh. I feel fugly. Wait, no! My hair Rocks!!”

The 7hr Epiphany & The Txt
Alright so I hadn’t heard from Indie AT ALL since the night he kissed me, and I was beginning to really question what had happened.  Per usual, I blamed myself.  So at the crack of 11:30am Sunday I woke up with the rest, and we had a delicious homecooked bfast with the family we stayed with before getting out on the road.

Blizzard.  Seriously.  I don’t even know if it was snowing, but the wind was so bad we couldn’t see the car 10ft in front of us.  Thank god P is the best driver I’ve ever met. The moment we left the UP the wind dropped.  Crazy UPers.  All things considered the car ride gave me a peaceful 7hrs to drift in and out in the backseat and analyze everything again.

One brain tangent went off to LP – the other girl that Indie & I worked with that one summer. She’s been, well, impossible to get a hold of. I haven’t seen her since this past summer. From time to time I’ll get a msg “hey let’s get together over break.” Sounds great yea, but every attempt I’ve made to contact her when we’re both in town… goes unanswered.  Kinda pissed me off after the 16th attempt (yes i counted).  When I mentioned it to Indie on Friday nite he said “yea, she’s kinda been a bitch. I haven’t heard from her in ages.” Which got me back to thinking about the summer we worked together.

It was so painfully obvious to the entire office (slightly embarrassing) that I liked him. Everyone knew. LP would half force us together – by ‘accidentally’ forgetting she was supposed to give me a ride home or just making new plans last minute – but that was only a few times. When the 3 of us were together she was always in the middle both figuratively and literally. Now you can chalk it up to ‘she didn’t want to get left out’ but it also made indie and I just become slowly more awkward around each other in person as we tried to make sure LP was, as always, the center of attention. Argh.

There are so many things that suddenly make more sense now. Indie has these intense eyes (that I can’t stop daydreaming about) but so often keeps a rather unexpressive face. There were so many moments were I’d look up and there he’d be looking at me – and I couldn’t look away – but felt super awkward like he must’ve been judging my idiocy or something. …LP told me at the end that Indie had asked her way earlier in the summer if I liked him. She brushed him off and said, ‘oh eh. I don’t know.’ Her tone said not really. …She was showing me pictures on her camera when I clicked back one too far and saw her, Indie, & a friend up at LP’s cabin. I had never been invited up there… hence the omg they never told me. he must like her! How could I be soo screwed up to think maybe he likes me!? post.

Hmm. All interesting.

By the end of the car ride I had concluded to these points:

• Indie used to like me & possibly might still
• May have neglected to call because too drunk or because he had gone up with a specific group of friends – and of course wanted to be with them
• My heart is more content. Even if he doesn’t like me as more than a friend, at least I know that he did. For so long I have blamed myself for coming on too strong or not enough and basically being a complete failure with guys.
• Though many people expect – and rightfully so I suppose – that if he and I both are hoping for more then we’ll date. I would be content just seeing him from time to time. I recognize the distance makes anything difficult. It happens. Since that distance will always be there, there’s a high chance no relationship would every come to fruition.

Arrive home.

Roomie and I get ready for bed. My phone beeps. Sorry…I lost my phone last night

Now, before any of you read into it, I will. Afterall, I know him better than all of you. Indie is not a … type of guy. He uses them only where trying to express it how he talks. If that dotdotdot was missing it was be more “hey friend. Sorry I missed your calls. I lost my phone. Maybe next time!” but with the … yay.

Spoke with him the nxt day online as well (do I not sound like a totally 14 year old? lol)
Indie: grace!
me: hey!
  shouldn’t you be in class
Indie: just got back
  sorry i missed your calls
  i don’t remember much of the weekend after leaving that party lol
  blur

Ready for the old trusty Analyzing Magnifier?

“i don’t remember much of the weekend after leaving that party”

I grew up with guy friends.  I know this stuff.  Normal wkend recap protocol: “I don’t remember much of the wkend.” Not only can that statement be true, it’s simple AND totally gets you out of embarrassing situations. Like hey I might’ve kissed someone but I’m totally gonna pretend I blacked out. I was so drunk. Damn. Knowing Indie – he actually means ‘after leaving that party.’ so. Let’s hope he can come to the party next wkend!

p.s. Happy Valentines Day!!!

p.p.s.  Indie just aimed me! tehee I totally am a giddy 14yr old.  now I just need to pick up on their speech:  omgomg he totes likes me! Guess what he said??? Indie: boners? i have a feeling there will be many boners today. lol. we are such children.