Musings

It has been ages since I’ve sat down to this. I was kinda losing interest to be honest. It is just so much more fun to read other people ramblings than write my own. However, right now I’m having a bit trouble dealing and my bound journal is missing (not unusual).

Overloading on Ben Folds and tea and tootsie rolls. A guy across campus committed suicide last night. One of my best friends was really close to him. She called sobbing at 1.30 last night to tell me. We went to the prayer service at 2am with a few of her friends. I’ve never felt comfortable in church - any church. I always feel like a hypocrite because everyone there seems to believe and love so fully. I dont know what I believe in anymore. Sometimes it’s easier just to avoid thinking about it.  As much as I doubt God, prayer has always been key for me. Just the monotony of the rosary is calming.

Last night, or rather, early this morning, the church was packed. literally packed with students and teachers all looking for that sense of belonging, that time to be together, to not be alone.  Just before the service began, my friend put it best, “He’s such a fucking idiot. Look at all these people. They’re here because of him. How can you leave so many people behind?” She’s right. There were over 150 of his closest friends there sitting in shock, sobbing, or just leaning on each other trying to find a way to deal.

We sat up most the night in her room just talking. Because she’s an RA (he was too) she wasn’t allowed to leave her dorm that night. So I crashed there. The moment she had called me I dropped everything and went over.  We drank beers and talked until almost six am.

Today I’m exhausted. She’s really have a tough time with it. I’m trying to just listen and be there for her. I’m beginning to hate always being the ’strong one.’ When is someone gonna be there for me?

p.s. Was anyone else ever slightly disturbed by the music video for Ben Folds Five - Kate?

valentine’s day

Well, as you all know, Valentine’s day is just around the corner. I have been dreading it for the last 2 weeks. I’ve never felt like this around the 14th ever. It’s kinda weird. This semester though, I know exactly how it’s going to turn out. 2 of my housemates will be wake to beautiful flowers and gifts from their very perfect boyfriends. 2 of my housemates will receive flowers and gifts in the mail from their wonderful, though absent, boyfriends. I will sit around and do my homework and try not to listen to them talk about how much they love/miss their amazing significant others. I will study my french as if my very life depends on it as they discuss futures and engagement rings. I will smile and nod, but on the inside, I will cry because I wish I was one of them.

There are indeed a million joys of being single. You can go out with the girls and not have to ‘ok’ things ahead of time. You can go out on dates with different guys all week long just for a free dinner. You can dress like a slag and tease the guys at the bars. You can have a smoke when you want without fearing he’ll smell it on your breath.

But when it comes down to it. We need to be with someone. We need to be held and cared for. We enjoy having someone to do the same for. It’s fun to go out on dates and not have to worry what he thinks of you or expects of you. When you’re alone for long periods of time you can get very lonely. Just having even a long-distance guy to call up and talk to about your annoying friends and soccer vs. football and the new bands you’ve heard of… that’s enough to keep you going.

It’s tough when your boyfriend is in Australia and you’re stuck in the States. Or when he goes to school 5 hrs away. Or when he’s always busy because he’s in sports. It sucks. It really does. But when you’re miserably single and surrounded by that, it’s hard not to wish you had those problems too.

I don’t want a box of chocolates or dozen roses for Valentine’s Day. (Although the meltaways from allie were spectacular! thanks!) I don’t want a little mermaid valentine with candy attached. I don’t even need a card. I just want someone all my own.

my feelings exactly! ages ago from LondonGirl

bemoaning the death of good radio

Haha! So I love that James Mercer of The Shins called all that crap on the radio these days “emo, candy-ass bullshit.” THANK YOU! Someone other than me noticed all these 17yr old pussyboys running around like depressed gods singing crap songs moaning about their horribly sad middle-class lives. I can’t even listen to the radio these days. There are all these bands out there that no one can tell the difference between anymore. They’re lyrics are peppy, repetitive, uncreative poems written at a fourth grade level.

I just got back from The Shins concert this weekend - AMAZING - and I have to say the emo kids there… It was incredibly difficult not to laugh in their faces. Luckily the crowd was mostly age 20 and up but there were some random 16 yr olds running around with long straight bangs swept from one ear to the other and covering half their face. I love it when teens try to emanate the punk or indie vibes. They just don’t seem to understand that the look isnt all about how you dress. It’s the way you present yourself. You can dress as indie as you want, but copying a look doesn’t get you there. It’s all about being independent, being your own person, dressing the way you like. If you’re a prep all punked out, let me let you in on a little secret. We all know. We can see right through you.

UPDATE:  Download Last.FM immediately!!! Rocks my life!