WTF? I’m being crazy I know

 

Wow. Just wow. I don’t even know where to begin! Mom is driving me nuts! I don’t know exactly what sparked this but wtf?!? Last week she didn’t talk to me for an entire day. Ok, so she did, in short phrases but only if I asked her necessary questions like ‘when did you say the dentist’s office called?’ Other than that she was just pissy! Now, this morning! omg. She was way out-of-line. To begin with, I am HATING living at home during the summer but I have no choice really till I’m out of college and financially independent (thank god those usually kinda go hand-in-hand). So I was sitting eating my breakfast this morning before my ride to work arrived, and mom starts on my case. Apparently, my older sister’s birth control pills are MIA and I must have stolen them. WHAT? She says, “Now I know I told you I didnt want you on the pill, but it was for a reason. There is no need to try to sneak behind my back and steal your sister’s in order to start taking them! You should never take someone else’s prescription!” …sry. what? I did what? no. nope. never. True, as mom knows, I did ask my older sister if I could have her driver’s license and buy her a new one. However, she turned me down. I didn’t steal that so why the hell would I steal her pills???

First of all, I’m at work. woo. Once again my boss is missing… Really now, does that make any sense? I mean I have absolutely no problem whatsoever w/ her being gone as I cannot stand the woman. However, my fellow interns and I are going stir-crazy because she always leaves us w/ a task, which we finish easily and then have to wait hrs - or in this case days - till she can give us a new one. As if it would be so incredibly difficult to give us a series of tasks to do… Because you know, as college students, we’re pretty incompetent to do anything beyond data entry… argh! …Monday - boss missing all day, Tuesday - she shows up from 1-3:30pm, Wednesday - arrives promptly at 10:40, which is 2.75 hrs after us… god I can’t stand that woman!

…I try so hard not to let it get to me… But it drives my absolutely mad when my friend’s mobile vibrates every 3 seconds and I know it’s IndieBoy. I love that we’re all friends but I always feel completely left out of the conversation. They’re txting about plans for lunch, which I will be attending as well. Granted it doesn’t make sense for IndieBoy to be txting both of us as we sit practically next to each other but I hate that I f***ed up so bad that he never ever txts me anymore. It used to be that he and I txted back and forth up to 100x a day. Yes, that is excessive. But we were both at work and bored shitless… Then suddenly, it’s as if I don’t exist. No more calls or txts or anything. He talks to me online. And every once in a while when the 3 of us hang out after work… But it’s as if we are both friends of hers that just have to hang out with each other but don’t really know each other.

..Ok, so maybe I exist because he just called but it was only because she didn’t answer her mobile. Wow. Pretty sure I’m the most jealous person alive. See it isn’t because I like/liked him that I’m jealous though. It’s that it’s like we aren’t good friends anymore - like I dropped off the face of the earth. So then I send him a joking txt so yea… Now we basically hate you for ditching us… which is totally not true and he knows it because he had to do lunch with his bosses… But no answer. None. So… Why? Did I f***ing miss something????

haha. I just got off the phone with my sister… She was surprised her pills were missing. Apparently, mom somehow messed up completely on that one. My sister went to check and see if they were where she left them just a few minutes ago and informed me that they are not in fact lost/MIA/stolen. wtf mom. God I can’t wait to move out.

i dont need a boyfriend. i just need someone to hold me in their arms and tell me i’m alright.

regret

actually a day later…. just keep forgeting to publish these posts… lol now they make no sense bc they’re actually spaced over the last week or so -ish

At times I wish I could take back what I’ve done. Regret. But when I really sit back and think about it, I know I would not have changed in certain ways. Par examp - Teddy… He was and always will be one of the sweetest guys I’ve ever met. I was initially turned off merely because he liked me before I even knew him. As anyone who knows me will tell you - I like a challenge and am scared of anything set right out there for me - I guess I just don’t trust anything I don’t have to work for. …so anyway… I just wasn’t attracted to him. I liked hanging out with him. in fact we became really good friends.

It began junior yr of hs when he asked me to prom - in the SWEETEST way possible. in hs we had this school mail system where the main office helper would deliver any notes for a student each class period. he wrote one word on 8 slips of paper. i was to receive 1 slip each period. unfortunatly the office messed up and sent them all to me 2nd period. i read them each and opened the last one with major trepidation… “will - you - go - to - prom - with - me - Teddy” bc i was afraid it was this guy who annoyed the shit outa mean everyday. in fact i was so caught up in fear that it was that annoying guy that when i opened the last note my first thought was “Teddy who?” prom ended up being a lot of fun despite it all - tho we kinda separated and hung out with our own different groups of friends during the dance. after that we became really good friends and stayed good friends til right before college.

i had known he had liked me the whole time we were friends but had always hoped that would just die away… it never did. we kinda almost had a thing 2wks before heading off to college - we were both starting to get nervous and scared of leaving all our friends… there were a few nights where he’d ditch some of his buddies to hang out w me - when i was expecting them all to come over… a few times i’d later find out that he’d connived to just have it be him and i hanging out. there was no one who had ever made me feel so special and important but as much as i liked him for that i hated him for it. i didnt feel deserving of it so i convinced myself we weren’t right for each other.

after a very dramatic soap-opera-esque argument in my driveway we went our separate ways. he went off to his school and i to mine. he never understood my reasoning for not wanting a relationship… looking back i dont really understand them either. he wrote me letters and called and im’ed me for the first few months… eventually a big im-fight and i cut off talking to him completely. spring break of freshman yr we started talking again over a poker game - poker always brings out the best in me. *wink* anyway we became good friends again, tho not quite as close as before. i had really been a bitch about it all.

now we’ll be juniors in college. Teddy is cuter and kinda getting built. he still has that same awesome personality and quick comebacks that endears him to me more than anyone i know. very few people can make fun of me w/o actually hurting my feelings even just a little bit. (indieboy has that ability too) and a lot of people make fun of me - ALL the time. supposedly i’m ‘just an easy target’ and i ’set myself up.’

…now he has a girlfriend - going on 6months… and while i know i could’ve never dated him at the beginning of college… i cant help but see what an amazing guy he is. neither of us would’ve been good in a relationship at that point in our lives - especially not me. i was a bitch. i thought i knew everything. i had my whole life planned out and nowhere in there was a boyfriend/husband factored in - anywhere. i was going to graduate and go to law school. i’d be an amazing corporate lawyer and travel tons. i had tons of ideas for my office and house mapped out in my head… but never my wedding. i would just be too busy.

now i’m ready to date. i’m ready to have fun and enjoy life. i changed my life goals and plans and with that i changed part of me. i dont follow a strict path anymore. i like to do whatever comes to mind - sure i still revert to old habits every once in a while, but not as often. and i cant help but wonder what it’d be like to be his girlfriend… he’s mentioned recently that while they’ve dated for a while, he’s not sure how serious it is or how serious he wants it to be. and i feel guilty as hell for even thinking such thoughts like the two of them breaking up… i’m bad.

missing out…

wow. funny how you dont realize what you missed until you cant have it anymore. i was so confident forever that Teddy would never be the guy for me. but now that i see him so happy in a relationship and i look at myself… this weekend i was reading the letters he wrote me freshman yr after i totally shot him down and said there would never be something between us. wow. you know it could’ve been me in that relationship with him instead of his girlfriend. i’m not sure if i would’ve wanted that. all i know is that as i go on in life i become more and more scared that i will never be in a relationship. i dont know what it is about me. i just prefer to like the guy who is unreachable - safer that way i guess. then i know that he cant actually reject me bc we would never get that far. it is more subconsious than anything tho. i can honestly say tho that i am very very happy that i did not and will not date MrOpportunity. he is not my type. i would be miserable. end of story.

…wow was i right or what? indieboy doesnt really txt or call me anymore - just our friend/coworker who sits 2cubes away from me. everything about hanging out i learn thru her. par example - we were planning on going out to lunch today - to jimmy johns. …didn’t know til she told me this morning…. now she tells me indieboy canceled. thats cool. boy do i feel left out of the conversation. again.

so i was thinking about this while cutting the lawn yesterday. really, i wish that we could go back to failed relationships and failed attempts at something more than friends and ask for an evaluation. i know exactly how dumb that sounds and just how illogical it is. but think about it… when you get a ‘C’ on a paper it is almost expected that you seek out your professor and ask him/her “i’m just curious, what could i have done to this paper that would’ve gotten it a better grade?” why cant we do that we relationships? how wonderful would it be to be able to go right up to indieboy and say “so i know nothing will come of us. i was wondering if you could just tell me what i could’ve done or should’ve done? you had seemed interested in the beginning… did i misinterpret? or is there something i did that i should not have done?” you know, an evaluation… something to listen to and think about so that you can be more prepared for future relationships and therefore dont make the same mistakes. i mean it’d be beautiful if it actually was just that a guy felt his personality and yours just didnt go… as opposed to “you txt too much” or “you went from being fun to being really quiet and shy” …those are things you can work on. how much easier would that make my life?!

what would i ask?
what happened? did i miss something? am i too clingy? too dull? too fat? too quirky? is it my personality? my habits? my drunk phone calls? my inability to answer drunk calls when you called at 4am almost everynite? do i intimidate you? what can i change? did i miss some signal? was it that 2nd date when you paid for my meal… was i supposed to ask you to come into my house after? i kinda did. should i have been more specific? should i have broken the touch barrier? (i guess, more so than just the random joking around hitting kind?) how would i have done that? is it my family? my house? bc i cant really do anything about that.

reflection

wow. so i’ve been cleaning my rm up a bit lately. I figure i should try to keep it a little bit more organized so that when i move out next summer into my first apartment i dont have a mess of shit to go thru. so the other day while i was going thru some letters and bday cards and stuff i ran across the letters Teddy sent me first semester of our freshman yr away at college. then later i ran across some files on my computer when i was coding (html - yea i’m a loser) that were saved aim conversations w Teddy from the time as well. funny i always blamed him for being too much, too intense. i guess you can make yourself believe anything you want if you try. i read thru those and realized the depression i was diagnosed with last yr had been in full swing the year before. in fact, i’m pretty sure it was far worse first yr at college than second.

how dumb am i? or at least, was i? Teddy was a totally sweetheart thru all of those letters - a little confused and a bit of pressure to date (tho nothing like MrOpportunity is now) but mostly he wrote of how he was so confused about his life and if he’d picked the right major and a lot of “it’s ok i understand and despite all these flaws you seem to think you have, you’re still an amazing person.” he never pressured me to share anything - just asked me how i was and asked me to tell him what was wrong. his only fault was caring when i felt (as i told him over and over and over) that i didnt deserve him even as a friend.

that was a tough time in my life. but not just in mine - everyone was just starting uni so everyone had it rough. i just was having a pretty rough time. i’ve always dealt with pretty low self-esteem. M&D said for the longest time (during the worst of it for me) that they just couldnt understand where that spunky little girl went. apparently i was sooo independent and their little “pixie” bc i was always making trouble and running about. some time in elementary school i became really shy and have been ever since. well, kinda. in big groups anyway. over the past year i’ve regained a lot of that, but i was extremely insecure thru the beginning of college.

….i guess i’m just feeling so completely horrid for how i acted and even have thought about it since then. until going thru those letters and aims… i thought i’d dismissed him so easily… but really we kept talking for ages (months) after i told him i wouldnt date him… it was all about me and how bad of a person i was… wow. way to go me. i cant believe he is still friends w me after all that… what a nice guy… lol

at work…

Really have to stop doing this at work… guess work is just that dull. woo. so pretty sure despite going out on a few dates, the guy I like… pretty sure he likes our mutual friend/coworker.  Am I going crazy?  Am I thinking too hard? I really think he must.  I’ve kinda accepted that. I know that sounds bad, but I’m accustomed to it. Usually the guy I like likes me back at first, and then goes for my most outgoing gorgeous friend. whatever.

…oh lord. I hate all of this stress - really cant handle it. So I’m pretty sure IndieBoy likes her, which sucks for me. I just can’t tell. Maybe I’m just too quick to judge.  Maybe I just jump to conclusions like this too quickly. I guess it just kinda sucks because I’m sick of it always following the same path. There seem to be only 3 possibilities for paths when a guy likes me.

he likes me then loses interest after about 2wks
he likes me then starts to like my most outgoing friend after about 2wks
he likes me then gets weirdly clingy

…great…. just great. so the guy i like… well he either fits into 1 or 2. I mean thank god not 3 bc i’ve enough problems with MrOpportunity but still. Why cant there be a fourth option for me? Why no #4. He likes me and we date…. Damn life. I know I must be doing something wrong. I just can’t put my finger on it. Maybe I’m just too shy. or awkward. or something

I mean it’s not like this keeps me up at night. I just feel kinda frustrated. I know it’s me… but what? I guess I’m making a bigger deal outa it than it actually is. Oh well. Maybe I’m completely wrong about everything. Everyone leaves for school in a few weeks. What sucks is that I’ll miss them tons. We’ve had so much fun this summer. It definately has been my best summer ever.